Read the Funniest Florida Real Estate Listing Ever.

We’ve all seen real estate listings and how they play up all the best parts of a property to try to attract more buyers. Well sometimes there just aren’t any best parts to talk about. So how do you try to sell a real dump? Honesty.

Real estate agent Philipa Main, a Tampa Bay Realtor with Future Home Realty, had the interesting task of trying to sell something that nobody wants. A severely run down “house” on a property in Zephyr Hills, a “suburb” just north of the city. So she just decided to just tell the truth about the property, warts and all. And there are a LOT of warts. I can’t do this listing any more justice than she did so I’ll just put her entire listing here. This is genius in my opinion. If you care to see pics of this dilapidated downer, just click to the listing page here. Also I have to give Philipa super bonus points for the “roof leaks, floor creaks” quote from the Spongebob Squarepants episode “Opposite Day”. Good call.

“Here it is, literally the worst house on the street! The Seller has done the hard work of cleaning up the almost half-acre property (it only took 7 dumpsters!), so now is your chance to take it from here. Have you ever watched HGTV and thought, “I could do that!”? If so, pack up your tape measure and start Googling how to identify a load-bearing wall because it’s time to put your money where your mouth is! The roof leaks, the floor creaks, and there’s a terrible draft, but this 3 bed, 1.5 bath home is very open concept. And by that we mean the inside is open to the outside because several of the windows are broken. There is a large, sunny window in the kitchen... and absolutely nothing else - a wonderful feature for someone interested in a bright reading space (and ordering take out for every meal). Now I know you’ve heard of a detached garage, but have you ever heard of a detached foundation?! Because that’s what you’ll find here in the large bonus room at the right of the home. And if you’re looking for a house that screams “I’ve got bizarre and ominous energy!” then honey stop the car because you’ve found it right here conveniently located off of US-301 in North Zephyrhills. If you need a place to stage your next post-apocalyptic zombie movie, this is it (the covered porch has really good “rest here on your way to the safe zone” vibes). And whether you like to turn up the heat or keep it cool, it won’t matter here because there is no HVAC system. Oh and don’t forget about the brick chimney that perfectly epitomizes how we all feel after 2020 - about to collapse and going nowhere (literally, there is no fireplace inside the house). What else can be say about this one-of-a-kind opportunity? It’s not in a flood zone and will be conveyed with clear title! But we don’t have a survey and the Seller has never seen the property, so buyers are strongly encouraged to do their own due diligence. And if you’re not interested in crying yourself to sleep every night while you rehab this home, might we suggest tearing it down and building a brand new one in its place? The neighbors would likely thank you.”

That is truly quality writing right there. Thanks for a good laugh, Philipa!

Here’s the awesome Spongebob clip for you Squarepants fans, like me.

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